How to Self-validate

Self-validation is a process that involves validating your emotional experience rather than ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing it. A lot of our emotional distress comes from our attempts to resist feeling negative feelings. When we resist or discount our feelings we essentially abandon ourselves and it comes at a cost. Self-validation improves our self-esteem, self-worth, and overall sense of self-concept. The best formula for self-validation I’ve come across thus far is the following:

I feel _______ and it makes sense because ________.

The second half of the statement is crucial because it involves connecting our emotional experience to our values system. Connecting our feelings to our value system helps us internalize and “connect’ with the self-validation statement. Basically, it makes us actually believe the statement because our values system is an important part of what makes us who we are as a person. So a full self-validation statement might look something like this:

I feel sad I hurt my partner’s feelings and it makes sense because I care about how my partner feels in our relationship.

In the above example you can see I’ve identified the feeling I’m experiencing i.e., “sad”, as well as why it makes sense I would be feeling that feeling i.e., “because I care about how my partner feels in our relationship”. Mutual respect and compassion are both aspects of a relationship I value.

Try this technique and see if it helps you connect with your emotional experience in a way that truly feels validating.

~Kara